I’m going to explode!

So I am not sure if anyone has noticed.  Some have.  There is a transition going on in me.  A transformation.  A metamorphosis of sorts.  I feel like my whole body could explode from my soul trying to jump out and dance like never before.

What is bringing on this change you ask?  I have surrendered my complete all to my Lord.  He is my husband and I am His bride.  He is my all and He fills my cup to overflowing.  I have finally learned that I don’t need anything else as long as I have Him in my life.

I am screaming it out and sharing it in one way or another any way I can in this world that stifles us.  I am still a sinner but He loves me anyway.  He gave His entire life for me so why shouldn’t I give my entire life to Him??  He died for me but He’s asking me to LIVE for Him.  I couldn’t ask for anyone to love me more because it doesn’t exist in this world.

I have realized that there is nothing in this world that can ever compare to this love that He has given me.  No man or object in this world could ever make me as happy as I am now.  Even on my darkest days when I am falling as we humans do He will still be the only thing that will pull me out.

I told my youngest last night that there is something huge coming.  I do not know what it is but I am on edge and wanting to jump and run towards it.  The excitement is building more and more inside of me until I feel like I could explode.  I thirst and hunger to be completely focused on Him.  This world holds nothing for me anymore.  I cannot focus on life and works of this world.  It bores me to tears but Him and all He has for me to come is exciting beyond belief.

Some of you may call me a bible thumper.  You may start think I’m a freak or a fanatic and that’s ok.  As long as I am a freak and a fanatic for my Lord and Jesus Christ!  His Holy Ghost is in me and I am letting Him have control of my ever being.  As I push forward towards my future I know that the change in me is going to make many walk away from me and all I can say to them is may their lives be blessed and wonderful.  I pray that one day they will feel everything that I am feeling.  I pray that someday everyone feels like a ticking time bomb of joy for the Lord.


Christ beside me,

Christ before me.

Christ behind me,

Christ within me.

Christ beneath me,

Christ above me.

~St Patrick.

May God surround me!

God has a plan

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.  Proverbs 14:30


This verse rings true.  I have been living it.  I have been wallowing in pain and regret and unable to move on as I should.  Jealous because I felt she took something from me that I believed was always supposed to be mine.  Yet I now know that they did me the biggest favor I could have asked for, he was never mine and I have to thank them for it.

For those that don’t know I was with who I thought was my true soul mate for almost 10 years.  We had a rocky relationship and I was always breaking up with him only to be back at his door a few days later.  I loved him more than I thought I could love anyone.  We both had baggage that we couldn’t get over, though, and that kept putting a wall between us that just kept growing and growing until finally a year and half ago I moved out of his house and broke up with him again.  Of course as usually I was still at his door and him at mine for several months after.   Until one day the wall that I knew was there before I moved out suddenly became real.  She wasn’t just texts messages anymore as she had been for what I found out was a few years.  She was real and in person now and we were over.  I tried shrugging it off and thinking it was nothing because she lived thousands of miles away.  Guess I was wrong because he married her and moved her out here.  The man, who told me from the beginning that he would not marry unless it was a long engagement, married her only months after meeting her face to face.

Now, if you are a woman, you can imagine how bad this hurt.  Yes, I understand I am the one who broke up with him and after he told me about her I kept trying to push him away.  It didn’t make the hurt and the betrayal any less, though.  Since the day I found out he was married I have been doing my best to avoid him.  Hard to do when you work so close to each other, but I’ve been doing pretty good.   I also thought that I was feeling pretty good about things.  Then this weekend while driving to a meeting I had we ended up at the same stop light…….  Not just him and I but all three of us.  It was the first time I’ve seen her in person.   It hurt and it hurt badly.

It took almost the entire day to calm down.  It took my wonderful friends pointing out some things to calm me down.  It took them talking me through and asking pointed questions for me to see the truth and I am praying to finally let go.

You see, God has plans for me.  He has plans that my lifestyle with my ex wouldn’t allow.  I was living with a man that I wasn’t married to.  I was fornicating, drinking excessively and being basically a hypocrite.  I was cheating on my God with this man that wasn’t as invested in me as I was him.  Don’t get me wrong I believe he loved me in his own way.  But not like I was made for.  Not like he loves her.  He was never going to marry me.   We weren’t what God wanted.  I thought we were and kept telling myself that but we ruined that from the very beginning.

Like I said God has a plan for me.  I always tell people that I have had a Lifetime movie for a life.  I have lived through so many different pains since childhood.  I have been hurt and hurt others so much.  I believe the Lord wants me to use all of this to help others.  I have felt since turning to God years ago that I was meant to help hurting women.  Women, who have been battered, raped, molested and betrayed in ways others couldn’t understand.

God has a plan for me.  God couldn’t use me to my full potential with the life I was living with my ex.  God couldn’t use someone who was still holding on to someone like that and not putting the Father first.  So although it hurts and some days I fall back into the thoughts that I wasn’t good enough I know better now.  I am better than that woman who I was with him.  I am God’s beautiful daughter and He wants so much more for me.

So when I say that I thank them for what they did I am serious.  If they hadn’t met and started texting each other and then gotten married I would still be holding on to someone that the Lord didn’t want for me.  God had plans for the two of them and He has plans for me.  If they hadn’t done what they did I would not be on the path to becoming a Christian Counselor and growing closer and closer to my Father so that I can help the hurting.  My focus is on my Lord and Savior now more than it ever has been before.  My life has never been better or happier.  It will always have its ups and downs but I know that my Lord is here for me and I am FINALLY truly living for HIM!


God has a plan for me!!